How punk music makes you a criminal (and how not to get caught)

Article is for entertainment purposes only - do not become a criminal, it's not punk af

Did you ever wonder what it would be like if all your worst nightmares came true? Well, look no further! If punk music is your cup of tea, then this guide will tell you how to make a career out of crime. Crime can become a lucrative side business for certain individuals who have a penchant for bad haircuts and Doc Marten shoes. This guide should help budding criminals master the basics in short order so they can start working on their rap sheets immediately after reading it. As for those who are already seasoned criminals… well, there's always room for improvement, I suppose. 

So grab some safety pins and read on!

SHOPLIFTING 101: The Art of Stealing-for-Free

If you're on the lookout for a new career, one that allows you to be your own boss and make a lot of money without really doing much work, then shoplifting is what you've been looking for! And even if you don't plan to become a professional criminal by any means, being able to steal from stores will still come in very handy. It's just one of those little perks that comes with being into punk music… like binge drinking at a frat party or getting high on pot while watching CSI: Miami.

Punk shops are an excellent place for would-be criminals to learn how to get away with stealing from major retailers. While many people have this mistaken belief that punk clothing stores only carry more hardcore items, the truth is that many of them carry a wide variety of clothes to suit anyone's tastes. And what better way to find out what they have to offer than by shoplifting?

This guide should help you avoid getting caught when stealing from major retailers, including punk clothing stores!



An important part of committing crimes successfully is not relying on others for assistance. It only takes one person who talks too much and now everyone involved in the crime can kiss their freedom goodbye. Of course, it may be very tempting to ask your friends or family members if they would like to join you in your criminal exploits, but just because someone's supportive doesn't mean that they're reliable enough so as not to give you up if confronted with evidence against them. Hell, sometimes a person can even turn against you for no other reason than just plain old greed.

So if you're going to get into the art of shoplifting, then it's time that you learn how to work alone. Never tell anyone else about your plans- not even your closest friends or family members. This will minimize the risk of getting caught and maximize the chances of making off with stolen goods successfully!

Buddy System = No System At All

You may think it's wise to bring someone along with you while shoplifting since two people working together makes things go twice as fast… but let me lay this little bit of knowledge on you: taking a partner while committing a crime is a big mistake. That partner could potentially blow your cover by yelling out a warning to others, or even turn you in for the reward money.

And while it's true that sometimes taking along a partner can result in both parties getting off with lighter sentences than if they had decided to go at it alone… this isn't something you should rely on. For one thing, there's no guarantee that this would be the case. Also, consider how much more difficult things could be when trying to convince someone who knows about your crime not to say anything later on down the line after he or she has already agreed. Trust me-you don't want any part of that situation!

An alternative is just working solo and having fun with all the new stuff you get without having to share anything with anybody else. Plus, since you're the only one involved in your crime spree, there's no one else to blame if things go bad or you get caught red-handed.


The Art of Stealing-for-Free

As I said before, punk clothing stores are always looking for new people to expand their fashion lines. And the great thing about shopping at these places is that they never ask for any type of identification whatsoever or limit how many items you can buy! If they did, then thousands upon thousands of teenage delinquents would be deprived of what could potentially be their one and only chance to show off their individuality by wearing clothes that nobody else has ever worn before (or will ever wear again).

So when you shoplift from these stores, you're depriving them of their profits by taking away what could be an additional sale! The important thing to remember when committing crimes in the name of individuality is that it's not a good idea to go overboard because then the shop owners will have a legitimate reason to complain.

That being said, there are some items that you should avoid purchasing from any punk clothing store because these distinct-looking garments have tags which contain special RFID chips so that customers can pay for their merchandise either at the cash register or with a nearly invisible wireless device located just behind the counter. In addition, some stores actually sell products which play advertisements over built-in speakers every time someone walks past! And if things couldn't get any worse for you, some of these clothes are even covered with camera devices so the owners can record every single person who tries on their products.


How to Get Caught

One of the biggest problems that punk clothing shoplifters face is how quickly they get caught! The reason for this may seem quite obvious-you're stealing! But there's more to it than just taking something without paying for it… there are other factors which will determine whether or not you get caught, such as how often you visit an establishment, what types of items you take, and how quickly you remove tags from new items.

Whether or not shopkeepers actually see you committing a crime depends on where exactly in the store you happen to be when they notice your suspicious behavior. If you're in a private room or a back area then they probably won't know that you're up to something unless there's a mirror which provides them with a full view of what's going on.

However, if you're in an open area where the owner can keep watch over you at all times then chances are that he or she will notice your suspicious behavior immediately! That's why it's best to find out about security cameras before committing any crimes so that you know exactly what parts of the store to avoid.

Of course, even if you never set foot inside any punk clothing stores so the owners don't have the opportunity to see anything suspicious at all… these criminals still have other ways by which they'll discover your secret identity. And if you think about it, these things make a lot more sense than loitering around outside of the building all day! But don't worry-these techniques require a lot more effort on their part and they'll need much larger resources to pull them off.

If the store has one or multiple security cameras set up inside then they can use footage from those devices as evidence against you in court… unless, of course, you break into the building and destroy every single camera before they have a chance to discover your secret identity! This is much easier said than done though because you'll probably need some sort of special device (or weapon) which will allow you to zap those cameras with an intense beam of electricity strong enough to destroy even the most expensive security devices… which means that you'll need to get your hands on some sort of super-powered weapon.

So, if you happen to have a dangerous device like this then it shouldn't be too difficult for you to commit crimes in the name of individuality! However, there is another method by which criminals may monitor your public activities and it has a 100 percent success rate… a camera lens made out of pure diamond!

If you're caught committing any type of crime while wearing clothes from these stores then chances are very good that your picture will end up being displayed on the front page of Punknews or at least somewhere on its website. In fact, all they really need is just one shot since most punk clothing store owners don't bother taking more than one or two pictures of suspected criminals.

Busted!

Once someone (or some group) gets their hands on this type of photographic evidence they'll make sure that every punk clothing store owner in the entire country sees it by sending out an email to all of them at once. Once these people get a look at your face, you can bet that you'll be caught within the next couple of days (and if not then there's always the option of making offline announcements via word-of-mouth).

But what about those punk clothing stores which don't use security cameras? It turns out that they're even easier to get caught when stealing things! All you need to do is take a photo using a digital camera and attach it to an email which you send out to every punk clothing store in the country. Within a couple of hours, each and every owner will know what you look like without fail!

However, if you're worried that this type of evidence might lead to your arrest then there's one simple solution: always wear a mask while stealing from these stores. In fact, I strongly recommend that you don't even step foot inside them unless it's absolutely necessary because they sure won't hesitate to call the cops on someone who looks suspiciously familiar.

For example, if someone sees you wearing a very odd outfit and matching shoes with metal spikes sticking out of them then he or she is probably going to report what they've seen to Punknews by calling 911 and giving them your exact location and a detailed description of your appearance.

For example, you might want to wear a trench coat so that it'll be easier for you to conceal all the stolen merchandise which you've accumulated in every one of the many pockets found on this type of clothing. But if Punknews decides to give someone a very large reward for calling up their hotline with information on some punk teenager who's wearing a coat like this then they may decide to send out an email which encourages people to report suspicious activity at various locations where you happen to be hanging around… even though chances are slim that anyone will actually see your face beneath that massive hoodie!

I could keep going on, but to wrap this article up  I'll just say this: if you don't want to get caught then you NEED TO BE CAREFUL! In fact, that's the only way to avoid being arrested by Punknews and it's also a very effective method for staying off of SPYWAN.

So, be careful what clothes you wear while shopping online… or stealing from punk clothing stores. Otherwise, your secret identity might not be so secret after all!